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These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Islam believes the choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. Cooking is not a barrier to learning your deen and teaching your children, it is part of wifehood and motherhood. So all these things which are discussed above would come under un-islamic. should I try to be obedient by displeasing him instead? SWEET SPEECH AND ENCHANTING INVITATIONS SMELLING GOOD AND PHYSICAL BEAUTIFICATION Return as soon as possible. Dont string them along or make it seem like you really want to marry the sister when you dont. This will give him a clear idea that you are firm, confident, and the type of person who knows what she wants. And if she mentions you to her family but they refuse to meet you, then you have to find out the reason. lol. Huband is the bread winner, women cooks the bread. 13. This article is about basic manners and also has some feminist ideas . You want to live near your parents? The idea for the article was announced to associates about a couple of months ago to take input. If you are ill and no Mother-in-law around then every day. If a husband does not help around the house to do those particular task that the wife is expected to carry out (even though he should help out whenever he can), it should not effect the marriage nor should the wife get upset, only the religous educated pious wife will know this and she will be content that she has marries rigeous, pious husband. Undoubtedly correspondence via chat rooms is more dangerous than correspondence by mail, but both are bad. Always guard these two matters. you know what people? I would probably make this its own article though. If he does not allow you then it is not your right to fast at that point. Ask for someone to help you. Everything begins with the right intentions, and this applies to relationships as well. Basic Things to Know Before Marrying a Muslim - LoveDevani.com But I think that this practice at interaction plays a part as time goes on, i agree with both of you brothers. To both the genders: have you seen those cartoons in which two people are fighting and the devil is laughing. how else do you want your wife and you to feel together? so please behave as gently and swiftly as possible. May Allah forgive me, but the first girl I had a thing with, I was completely terrible in keeping her entertained face to face, several girls later, when I got to the last one, not a single nervous conversation for me and from what it seemed, not a single dull moment for her (May Allah forgive me). o He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body. No matter how compatible both of you are together . Teach her Dhikr (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening. Find out ahead of time so you can check off this symbolic but sweet gesture from your to-do list. Ive also known other sisters who married in this situation. If you take too much time to decide, it looks like you are trying to buy some time in hopes that some one better would propose to you, and if no one better proposes then you would be willing to settle. If your husband is not pleased with a particular member of his family, your family, a neighbour or other then that from entering his home, then do not allow that individual to enter. if she is not happy however, then that is nothing to be proud about because all you have is a slave :(. Its not like we have ever talked about anything indecent, we talk in a well respected manner, and he sometimes jokes around,too. They rather prefer to work for a Kuffar than to clean the house. try to be a little more open-minded, times have changed but that doesnt mean the western culture is ruining women and women are ruling men and men get bashed, etc, these are all very generalized statements. and this gets pushed further when they both appreciate each other, say thanks and not take it for granted, and not EXPECT it, but rather just say thanks that the other is doing them a favor by being so responsible and sweet. Of course some of the brothers may have had experience talking to other sisters for marriage and so on but that must not decrease the level of care you take when you talk. There are plenty of intellectual pursuits for me to engage in, at my husbands encouragement, and plenty of just plain fun things to occupy my time with my husband and kids. He might ask you questions too, regarding how can you provide the daughter that he love dearly and making sure that your will never put her into any hardship in the future. There is nothing wrong with a Muslim woman making use of the internet and entering the Paltalk website for that purpose, so long as that does not lead to anything that is forbidden in Islam, such as talking privately with men. I am a Anoriginal Australia Woman married to a Muslim man from Syria . So that he sees you properly and vise versa. It is always advisable for both of you to commute separately to the meeting place so you are not alone with him in a car (unless both of you decide to commute by public transport). and the economy and job structure and education system etc etc everything was totally different.. they didnt need to buy expensive houses and cars, etc. What do you think?" It is permissible for a muslim male to make a request of marriage to a muslim female through email or mobile sms. So great to have, but know that 9 out of 10 times it comes w/ the price that you are not the first girl hes talked to at length for other than academic/work related purposesand further hes probably eveb flirted, dated, been in relationships, etc. But generally and particularly in the western world, what do you see in the US, UK? Or they expect her interests to be mirrors of theirs in every way. You will find less practicing brothers who are just as awkward as religious brothers. I didnt think to much about it but inshallah, I will become more attentive to such things. Do not look at the feet of the to-be bride so that you can make out her REAL color(she has put on make up, you see). Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. Lower your gaze, be modest, and look for a spouse that do it as well. This goes both ways, so dont spread any information about the brother or even talk about him to your close friends, because as you might know, people talk, and once the news spreads among most sisters in the community that this brother was visiting that sister, they would not consider him for marriage if he was to go visit them. Also in my opinion it does not get the marriage off to a very good start to have the wife providing all the financial support, from either spouses perspective. Theres not a thing wrong with a man or woman stating they want to be cooked for or they dont want to cook for anyone. There is no guardianship of a disbeliever over a Muslim woman in any circumstances, according to scholarly consensus. These kind of things are not very common in this part of the world.Our walis do the courting and girl and the boy officially meets only during the wedding. Honestly Im still trying to figure this whole problem out. The wife must accept husbands request as Allah has given this authority to the man . In priority a Muslim should ask Allah to choose for him what is good and to ask Him to bless him with a wife . and if you cant, respectfully agree to disagree. If he gives you a satisfying response, its your turn. It seems artificial, phoney, stiff and unnatural- like it makes all the men appear no different than any other man, and the women appear no different than any of the other women. For the good brothers then, theyve got their pick and like the sheikh said, Girlyou gonna get left!. I dont need some stupid lecture about rights from the likes of an emotionally stunted social reject like yourself. I wish you the best." I am a sister, who usually logs in to Paltalk and then goes to the Islamic rooms so that I may gain some knowledge related to our religion. Begin with foreplay including words of love. Of course you have to talk about the proposal you gonna make to them. Brothers you need to understand that similarly, cooking and cleaning themselves are big jobs and it cant be fun dicing vegetables, gutting fearsomely raw poultry and facing the heat so much (and rubbing the same surface area day after day in case of cleaning). She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. I dont knw about that..i come from a family where we are used to servants and cooks..infact ive entered the kitchen only twice in my life and im 24 now!! :) lol. In the process of courtship, it is imperative to recognize your intentions, as well as his. Yes, these factors are social constructs and not important except in matters of getting through this world, but they ARE very real practical issues and it would be foolish to ignore them. Hopefully this is an isolated case and is not the norm, but it shows us how important it is to follow the sunnah even in this regard and look properly at the one whom we are considering for marriage. To cook for your family is a job???? Allah SWT has encouraged to do Ihsaan during filing a divorce (surat al Baqarah, verses 228 and onwards). Or does he come to a house where the wife beutifies herself to temp and excite his desire, has the food ready, has the children calm down ready for him??? Avoiding excess jealousy. What Does Islam Say About Forced Marriages? - Muslim Girl i brought it up and we talked about it and i told him ive never cooked in my life and he said hes cooked a million times and loves to cook and i said okay i will learn as well and we can do it half and half the time iA to be fair to both of us . Exactly! so if she can get that done easily in 2 hours a day .what should she do the rest of the day?? better not to say anything about them !! Its really easy for a brother to come off rude if he doesnt ask or approach this properly. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. I am also not interested in any culturally-influenced ideas masquerading as Islamic. Talk to her father first, and ask him if you can get to know her. How to handle rejection Just admit it, you cant cook or are too proud to cook, thinking that its a mans duty aswell. I scared my husband by displaying *my* sense of humour good thing he married me anyway :D. Nice article and good discussion. as a muslim it is your duty to answer any questions kindly in order to spread knowledge and the deen. What kind of a person is he when you scroll through his feed? Tip; cook so that it lasts for 2/3 meals. Marriage is a sacred institution. Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus). Jazakallahukhaeran, am a Sister and i really appreciate this. If you are happy, then only you have the capacity to make others happy. Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. Please erase your feminist ideas and be a proper muslimah, i dont understand. Im sorry I disagree. If you would rather I approach somebody from your family, I would be happy to do that. As well, this article http://muslimmatters.org/2011/06/27/the-muslim-feminist-i-speak-for-myself/ also help me to understand what I think as well. it is a LOT of hard work afterall, and it is not her duty, and just because she doesnt cook, doesnt mean shes sitting around getting fat or being lazy. I know that people who have haya might be shy at first and might lower their gaze, but it is sunnah to look at each other when one is interested in someone for the sake of marriage. 4. So please be conscious of how your actions affect others, I cannot stress that enough. While it is not in Holy Quran any hadith books that a revert must have muslim family to get married in a muslim family. When he is at work and comes home at the end of the day, no matter how hard time youve had with your children etcMake sure you beutify yourself and receive him, keep the food ready, calm the children, keep the house clean etc.You dont know what he has gone through whilst working and the fitnah of women he has gone through living in the west. To understand the proper way to approach her and why it has to be so, you have to understand the way marriage is meant to work in Islam. From personal experience when my husband and I had met for the first time we were both completely mute the whole night so we both thought that oh no he/she totally hates me! but then we talked about it after and we both confessed we were freaking out and totally nervous since we didnt have much experience in this field. 2, p.8. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. What else can I say about this modern woman . Divorce when usually people have the right to dislike each other but Allah SWT encourages not hurting the woman and making things easy for her. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. In short . This means that the families of both the man and the woman have to be involved in the process, it is not something the man and the woman can set up entirely on their own. But they usually spot their fiance/fiancee in a family gatherings or something. Rasool sallallaahualaihi wa sallam said; The whole world is a place of enjoyment, but the best enjoyment is a Pious Wife. Start with Bismillah and the authentic dua. o He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. This may be nerve-racking for you because: If you are ever feeling nervous and anxious about what might happen, recite this dua to attain calmness of the heart from anxiety: , Lord, lift up my heart and ease my task for me. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. Other than that, all that comes from the way of kuffaar and sadly the Muslims have adopted that way too and it is very sad to see that people are saying jazakAllahu khayran on such things, subhanAllaah. o It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Quran . Then they start or their Gurdian starts looking for a partner for them, so they reach 35 plus. Men all always the one who is too be blamed and still needs to Impress the woman. So you've found a girl you likecongratulations. And at the end of the day, marriage is a risk you are taking. Do you want to work after marriage and have a career? it is true that wanting to uphold what one thinks is proper Islamic etiquette prevents both brothers and sisters from being too outgoing or wanting to seem like they want to create an attraction. If you want to do a voluntary fast, do not do so before seeking the permission of your husband. Also, I think it would help to show that you are kind-hearted, even-tempered, patient and caring, or, at least, that you seriously aspire to be that way. He did not accept the offer and simply said: "In Sha Allah"" (if God wills). this means equally on both sides. Text hey instead of heyyy to avoid looking too excited. Is he a Dr. or Engineer? That is why Allaah legislated that we sit with the prospective wife with her mahram and talk. Very few people born with those skillsso lets cut the religious brothers some slack here. Home Hanafi Fiqh Askimam.org How to ask a female`s hand in marriage. Why is that so? Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). During Ramdhan, if one has a wet dream (self relief during sleep), is the fast valid? In the UK we have something like this; if US doesnt, may they should. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". i completely agree with everything you are saying sebkha! Alright, so both of you have the same goals getting married and settling down together. Its just one call make it so that everyone can move on. The best way to know each other is to ask questions. The conversation went like this: Sister: Im not cooking for my husband for the rest of my life. Should I Consider Marrying a Man I Met Online Who Lives Far Away? A steady job, savings, lack of a huge debt, managing month to month, are all evidence of this. I know that there are a lot of girls in this world who would accept me and I would definitely not have to IMPRESS them . In most cases, communication is always key to mending relationships, but when arguments seem to surface quite often and it starts to get to you personally, you should take note. Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits. Show your dearest love to them to soothe their heart. They think that this task needs to be shared. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. Well, thats where the standards and differences come in. Dont inadvertently ruin a sisters chances by being overly chatty about your courting escapades. Shouldnt the better description be a job but one that is extremely rewarding, just like raising a child? If you want to make sure youre with someone whos open-minded, and open to trying new things, let them into your world and try what you find interesting. Even if a brother legitimately just wants to get married, if he is not a citizen or permanent resident, this is no light undertaking for a sister to consider him. delaying prayers, etc.. If she is from an immigrant family, her parents may expect her to marry someone from their own culture, for this reason if you belong to a different culture, they may simply refuse to even consider you. Will you rely on restaurants only ? Its not that hard to send a text or email that says, Salams sister, things arent going to work out. 1. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. I dont believe it has to do with religious brothers are fun and the shady ones are the fun ones. Making Du'a to Allah to marry a specific woman is something allowed and permitted in religion. It was, and in fact the repercussions continued for years even after we divorced! The marriage proposal doesn't need to be sent by the male or by his family; the proposal can be sent by the female or her side of the family also. If you usually wear hijab, dont take it off when the brother comes to see you as he is still a stranger and you two might never get married. But the question Id ask is whether its worth the cost. It's s'all good. And this is one mare glance. Divorce that took place between a Sahabi and Sahabiyah are individual specific cases, they parted from one another due to their own reasons. My problem is, I dont know whether I am allowed(Islamicly) to give non-muharim brother those kinds of informations which related to me. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. Sadly my comments wont make a difference . Im sorry sister, but I was wondering what would you eat for the rest of your life if you are not going to cook, and what would you feed your kids? And this is the only way we know each other which is through internetwe havent met..but we have seen each others pictures.. Well i hope all this makes sense to you..and you will be able to help me out here, cause right now i really need it.. i have been lookin through ur site and trying to learn more about our religion..and it is mashallah a good source.. but me still confused..about this situation we havent done anything wrong..just talk online.. and hoping that Allah will guide us to be together but the question that keeps coming up on my mind is if Islaamicaly is all this acceptable.. i have talked to other ppl..and he has talked to people too..and some say its wrongand some say its ok as long as our niyyat is good and we havent done anything wrong. Do not speak to strange or foreign men (those who you are not married to) except that your husband allows you to do so and under the conditions set by the Shareeah. If you said that men should learn what is important to women in the romantic sense, Id agree. Do you want sister to wear niqab or not? He came with his father to my dad to ask for my hand. Is he a party guy or a family guy? Plan carefully and thoroughly how would you propose to the girl you love. Well a year from now one of my friend, a girl, had introduced me to one of her online brother..and we have been talkin online for about a year now. Limit your make-up to a natural look. wow,.. Women empowered set free from all their responsibilities and free to act as sluts and dress as they feel like, shame all men as pigs and rapists(including their own fathers and brothers too) but if a man asks is she can cook at all, he would offend her? Love is truly in the air. If the reason is something that can be changed (maybe they expect you to have a job), then you have to wait patiently and try again in the future. 3. The ruling lays down that according to the Shariah it is not the responsibility of a woman to cook food for the household. so lets say if both the husband and wife are both working hard all the time, i think they should split it and help each other but lets say only 1 of you are working, the other should take care of the house duties.. its not a its a womans job thing.. .its just that women are normally the ones who stay home so it only makes sense that she would take care of that, because is it fair to demand the husband work all day and come home tired and then force him to cook too? INTERCOURSE Witnessing the consent of the bride at the time of marriage. Necmettin Erbakan: Father of the Turkish Evolution, [Podcast] What Not To Say To Converts | Amanda Morris. and if the brother didnt ask it , it would always SURELY be his mother!! http://www.muslimmarriageevents.org/index.htm. Put on perfume for her. I wouldnt make financial stability a great priority, this is something that is developed, and most Muslim men have the sense to work on it. Make the responses short and simple. Structural Cohesion In The Quran [A Series]: Surah Al Kafirun, When Allah Chooses Something: The Blessings Of Dhul Hijjah, 3 Fun And Educational Dhul Hijjah Activities For Children, Structural Cohesion In The Quran [A Series]: Surah Al Masad, A Statement From Straight Struggle Muslims, [Podcast] Are Gym Selfies Haraam? Get somebody to talk to her I agree with everything you said sister, except the first point. She strives to obey her husband and please him. , An Islamic solution to the problem of evil, Reconciling Islam and Darwinian evolution, A new approach to the Quran's "wife-beating" verse (4:34), Is Islam really pluralistic? It is also sad that people even allow this to happen. I am remembering one of prophets hadith in which he said that when the end of times will be near , woman will control men . Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc.. Are you ready to settle down with someone? If she is someone you meet daily (you attend the same classes or work at the same place), then your behavior toward her should be in a way that if her family was watching, they should not disapprove of it. CORRECTING HER MISTAKES Read up on womens psych or something. This shows that get to know or talking and all that is useless and forbidden in islam.. Allaah says in al-quran, , Have you seen him who takes his own lust (vain desires) as his ilah (god), and Allah knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart, and put a cover on his sight. Plenty of the brothers also spread the dawa, know how to hold conversations, etc. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. How to Make Him Marry Me? Can I Ask Allah? | About Islam There is so much good and kindness in taking care of your family. MAJOR FROWNY FACE. I would have to disagree. I appreciate it on behalf of the converts and reverts. Both are equally guilty but most of the time it is the male gender which is bashed and females mostly over look their faults and blame men as pigs . So we have to keep our desires and whims a side and then think about what is allowed and what is disallowed in islam. there is a difference b/w islam and western feminism . Now in this time of era men says we feel like we are an object of fish-market. You should drive the car even if she's the one who has the driving license. Sign up for our to receive exclusive content straight to your inbox and stay up to date with the latest news. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of cookies. Accounting her only for larger mistakes. They think that serving their husband is equivalent to doing a job and being less important than their husbands . Interesting article. What you might consider a boring conversation is perfectly acceptable to them because their priorities and how they evaluate an interaction is different than yours. And he rather thing twice abt it? A person will always be good in front of their parents and parents will always think their son or daughter is the best.. happens all the time. We have to stop seeing what media shows and what is the way of life of kuffaar. If he is naturally inclined towards certain topics of discussion, let him talk and find out what is important to him. The Islamic Perspective. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Copyright 2022 MuslimMatters: Because Muslims Matter. Sofia; we are talking generally about the situation of Muslim sisters out there. As-salamu Alaykum, Look for the right quality, just like the Prophet said. Set the intention right for marriage. He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him. Just out of curiosity, how many years of marriage do the people talking about the obedient wife have among themselves? Hussein Muhammad. Some tips for approaching the picture topic graciously: volunteer your picture first, treat the photo like an amanah look at it once and give it back. To help ease your difficulty in this aspect, it is always a good choice to chaperone just like in the days of yesteryear. Its cool! What was interesting though is that from a brothers perspective, I would have mentioned every one of these 11 points, so I thought why not go ahead and make a list of 11 tips from a brothers point of view, or at least from my own point of view. Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence. He always expected me to do the housework, cook clean, etc., even when I was working full time and going to school(college) full time, and he would get mad if he had to help out, or put laundry in the dryer while I napped. Maybe they need to practice in halal ways. Application fees are close to 1000 dollars to sponsor your spouse for a green card, and you also have to provide financial documentation proving that you are able to provide for him and his financial needs while he is in the US (money in the bank and coming in). who would want to marry you? I consider man and woman equal . Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. It is an insult to choose a girl just for her nationality and then coerce her to change herself to suit your other requirements. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Your respect and kindness to your husbands family is respect and kindness to your husband. Weird. 17. If the brother and his family express interest, let them know if you are interested or not within a reasonable time frame.